Russia Wants to Ban ‘Shrek’

I would describe the current state of Russia as, “up to no good.” Between an overbearing dictatorship, widespread discrimination and an incredibly ill-advised war in which they’re getting rinsed by a country a fraction of their size? Not a recipe for making it through each day mentally intact. That’s if you’re lucky enough not to be injected with polonium for actually mentioning any of the above. 

No matter how bad things got, however, there was one thing you could do to lift your spirits: watch the animated comedy, Shrek.

But that may no longer be the case. Apparently, everyone’s favorite ogre has found himself in the crosshairs of the Kremlin. He was featured in a presentation by the State Duma as an example of a negative Western character with both “physical and personality flaws.” 

Uh, no doy, Russia. That’s what the whole movie was about. He has layers! You’d think with the amount of onions present in Russian cuisine, they’d have a little more understanding.

According to politician Sergei Mironov, characters like Shrek, the Grinch, and Monsters, Inc. employee Mike Wazowski are all part of a Western society that's “very actively engaged in indoctrinating our children.” Now, the Grinch, sure. He’s not a good guy, especially before his heart grew multiple sizes. But our sweet Shrek? He’s doing his best to live a simple life. In addition, once married to Fiona, they have three children named Fergus, Farkle and Felicia, which would seem to align with the Kremlin’s stated mission of increasing Russia’s birth rate.

In fairness, the series does strongly suggest that a donkey is going to fuck a dragon, which obviosuly goes against traditional family values. 

Either way, I fully understand that in the grand scale of Russian persecution, the censorship of Shrek is a small development. Who knows, however, if this might be the straw that breaks the donkey’s back?

At risk of life and limb, I’m prepared to go on the record as saying Russia should let people watch Shrek. All the Shreks. I’ll also state now: If I “accidentally” fall out of a window that’s physically impossible to open in the near future, please launch an investigation. Chances of censorship by defenestration are high.