These Are the Best Joan Rivers Jokes That Celebs Retold During Tonight’s All-Star Tribute
One remarkable gift Patton Oswalt. “They were set-up/punchline, no meandering stories, all meat, no filler.”
On tonight’s Joan Rivers: A Dead Funny All-Star Tribute, the comedian’s biggest celebrity fans raided that filing cabinet to repurpose her funniest punchlines. Here are some of the best…
Patton Oswalt
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“When I die, I know what they’ll say at my funeral: ‘It’s the first time a man ever approached her when she was lying down.’”
Nikki Glaser
“I took my bra off at a nude beach today and accidentally clubbed two baby seals.”
Sarah Silverman
“I knew I was unwanted when my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
Tracy Morgan
“Michael Jackson has a dog that follows him to the plastic surgeon and waits around for scraps.”
Margaret Cho
“I went to a gay wedding and instead of rice, they threw Froot Loops.”
Bill Maher
“Preparing a Jewish dinner is very simple. All you need is the phone number of the nearest Chinese restaurant.”
Howie Mandel
“My parents didn’t want me. They once gave me a plastic bag for my birthday, and they said, ‘Pretend it’s a space helmet.’”
Rachel Brosnahan
“I’ve had so many yeast infections, if I sit out in the sun too long, I start to rise.”
Joel McHale
“Last night, California’s ban on same-sex marriage was overturned, as were most of the men in San Francisco.”
Aubrey Plaza
“The morning-after pill isn’t new. It just used to be called ‘throwing yourself down the stairs.’”
Rita Wilson
“I was a dog in high school. I told my father a boy wanted to take me out, and he said, ‘Not without a leash.’”
Tiffany Haddish
“Get jewelry before you hit the sack with a man. A diamond comes from being under a lump of coal for centuries. A woman gets a diamond for being under a man for 20 minutes.”
Chelsea Handler
“Me apologizing for a joke is like Taco Bell apologizing for giving you diarrhea. We’re both just doing our jobs.”
Melissa Rivers
“Dear Melissa, if you’re reading this, I am dead. And given that I am dead, I assume someone will finally decide to honor me. Well, it’s about fucking time.”