14 Celebrity Children’s Books to Put You Right to Sleep
You have to ire Bethenny Frankel’s grind; who else is doing product placement for their body dysmorphia/alcohol brand inside of their own children’s book?
Tim Tebow: ‘Bronco and Friends’
Tebow wanted to remind everyone that he spent two years on the Denver Broncos by first naming his dog “Bronco,” and then writing two books about a dog named Bronco going to a party and a picnic. The about-the-author section mentions, helpfully, that “Tim and his wife, Demi-Leigh Tebow (Miss Universe 2017), live in Jacksonville, Florida.”
Bethenny Frankel: ‘Cookie Meets Peanut’
This is an extremely pink book about a little girl and a spoiled dog that, troublingly, includes an illustration of her bottled margaritas, Skinny Girl Cocktails. A small but grating detail: She says the word “walkies” a lot.
Weird Al Yankovic: ‘When I Grow Up’
A little kid is asked what he wants to be when he grows up (during show-and-tell, which feels like it should be a separate period, you know?), and he spouts off a bunch of quirky random jobs. A couple of miserable reviewers point out that the animal exploitation inherent to some of these jobs is in line with “Al’s history of at least somewhat lazy veganism.”
Jay Leno: ‘If Roast Beef Could Fly’
Leno makes a child-shaped bobblehead of himself walk us through a single, boring anecdote from his childhood — a roast beef that fell on the ground. Suspiciously, it only has four- and five-star Amazon ratings, with believable reviews like, “Thank you” and “Works no problem.”
Will Smith: ‘Just the Two of Us’
Smith just took the lyrics from his hit song “Just the Two of Us” — which is itself half a cover song — and got someone to dump some illustrations next to them.
Mario Lopez: ‘Mud Tacos’
It’s a boring book about mean kids and has lines like “Marissa’s happy smile flip-flopped upside down.” According to one review, it may also be cursed: “Bought this hoping for a fun, quick read for my daughter, but ever since she read it she’s been speaking in tongues and trying to raise the dead.”
Ricky Gervais: ‘Flanimals’
This is a snarky, goofy tome of made-up animals with, if you can believe it, heavy-handed atheism muttered throughout. Gervais’ grandstanding and moralizing seems to attract the audience that hates it most like moths to a flame, with one reviewer complaining, “The book is pro evolution and becomes offensive when it mocks God who is referred to as Glob. Those who believe in God are labeled ‘mental.’” Yeah man, I bet they are. You bought a book by Ricky Gervais.
Madonna: ‘Mr Peabody’s Apples’
Besides being, reportedly, boring as hell, it also seems so far out of Madonna’s wheelhouse. It’s about a little boy who sees his baseball coach stealing apples, tattles on him, and finds out that he just has an apple tab that he pays weekly.
Queen Latifah: ‘Queen of the Scene’
Queen Latifah got Caldecott Award nominee Frank Morrison to illustrate her story about a little girl who rules at everything from stickball to jump rope.
Ted Kennedy: ‘My Senator and Me’
This book for no one is about how the federal government es (or fails to ) an education bill, from the point of view of Ted Kennedy’s Portuguese water dog. It was even made into an animated film, like a more self-indulgent, less catchy “I’m Just a Bill.”
Jerry Seinfeld: ‘Halloween’
This is just a discarded stand-up routine that he tried to dumb down for kids. It sounds like it’s a great book for parents who want their kids to start saying “shut up” and “stupid” a lot more, and replace the magic of Halloween with an acerbic disdain for authority.
George Foreman: ‘Let George Do It’
The premise of this book is that a family named all of their kids “George” and that makes everything weirder and more difficult than it has to be. Can you imagine?
Perez Hilton: ‘The Boy With Pink Hair’
It’s a story of self-acceptance, which is nice, but a reviewer makes a good point re: hypocrisy: “This guy has bullied every slightly over-weight person or any other ‘non-perfect’ person in Hollywood!”
Ricky Martin: ‘Santiago the Dreamer in Land Among the Stars’
The moral of this story is: “I love giving the golden shower. I’ve done it before in the shower. It’s like so sexy, you know, the temperature of your body and…” Sorry, that was a Ricky Martin quote from a 2006 interview. The big quote from this book is, “You can do anything you dream of, as long as you do it with love.” Since this kid just really wants to be famous, the message is: If you’re desperate enough, one day you too can become a celebrity.
