29 Jokes and Quotes for the Joke and Quote Enthusiast

In the immortal words of Jerry Seinfeld, ‘Who’s ready to laugh?’
29 Jokes and Quotes for the Joke and Quote Enthusiast

Man, this list was a breath of fresh air. After countless lists of random facts, it was great to take a break from all that learning to find some jokes. 

We bet you feel the same way right now. You’re probably on a little break from the hustle and bustle, so don’t worry about our many science- or history-based lists right now. Just sit back, relax and chuckle along to these hilarious jokes from hilarious folks.

Maria Bamford

My therapist says I'm afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.

John Mulaney

When I'm walking down the street, no one's ever like Hey! Look at that man. I think they're just like, Whoa! That tall child looks terrible. Get some rest, tall child.

Anthony Jeselnik

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

Slappy the Squirrel

Slappy the squirrel reassures us that pettiness is okay: CRACKED.COM If I were a better person, I'd ignore her and go on with my life. But I'm not.

Ali Wong

You single people, you don't know what it's like to eat a cold quesadilla that your toddler threw on the floor, because it's easier to put it in your mouth than travel to the trash.

Steven Wright

Everywhere is walking distance if you've got the time.

Iliza Shlesinger

Guys like to get barbed wire tattoos. Why just on the one arm? Is that warning me about the dangers of that arm?

Martin Lawrence

Weed has you at a stop sign waiting for it to turn green.

Lucille Ball

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

Bill Burr

Why the hell do people keep getting married? If you were going skydiving, and they told you half the parachutes weren't gonna open, you'd be like, I'm not going! I don't like those odds.

Bo Burnham

A Haiku My aunt used to say, Slow and steady wins the race. She died in a fire.

Dimitri Martin

I learned that there's a small but important difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool.

Steve-O

COMEDY NERD Jackass Crew Quotes I don't ever care to have skin graft surgery for third degree burns again. Steve-0 on his 2017 stunt that saw him make snow angels using burning jet fuel. CRACKED.COM

Jackass

COMEDY NERD Jackass Crew Quotes Well, before we started doing this film, I told Tremaine and Knoxville I said, 'I don't want to break my neck again'. I can't because I broke it twice already filming... and so instead we focused on my genitalia. Ehren 'Danger Ehren' McGhehey CRACKED.COM

Johnny Knoxville

COMEDY NERD Jackass Crew Quotes Johnny Knoxville on filming Jackass Forever during the pandemic: It's funny to think about having all these safety protocols to go through just so we could do dangerous sh*t. It's like, 'OK, Madisor wear your mask until you get to the alligator pit and take it off and jump in.'''' CRACKED.COM

Steven Seagal

CRACKED COM People all over the world recognize me as a spiritual leader. -Steven Seagal

AC/DC

CRACKED.COM I'm sick to death of people saying we've made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we've made 12 albums that sound exactly the same. Angus Young - AC/DC

Elvis

It's all a big hoax, honey. I never wrote a song in my life. I get one-third of the credit for recording it. It makes me look smarter than I am. I've never even had an idea for a song. Just once, maybe. - Elvis Presley, October 28, 1957 CRACKED COM

The Beatles

GRACKED.COM Somebody said to me, But the Beatles were anti-materialistic.That's a huge myth. John and I literally used to sit down and say, Now, let's write a swimming pool. -Paul McCartney

Groucho Marx

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room, and I think it's you.

Taylor Tomlinson (Yes, Her Again)

Having bangs feels exactly like being on mushrooms. The whole time, you're looking at your friends, asking, Do I look weird?

Maria Bamford

Comedians on depression I have done very well with mental health shtick, but I've been feeling so good I... that I don't have any new material about it. And I thought, 'Uh-oh, maybe I should worry about that.' But then I ed that I am on anti-psychotics, and it is no longer possible for me to worry. - Maria Bamford CRACKED.COM

Marc Maron

Comedians on depression The plug for Prozac, the way they sold it was, 'It'll change your personality.' Yes, it does, the problem being that it doesn't get rid of the other one! - Marc Maron CRACKED.COM

Jim Norton

Comedians on depression I came out of a horrible depression... when the train is pulling into the station and you back up against the wall say to yourself, 'Don't do it, don't do it, you gotta wipe your hard drive first, don't do it.' -Jim Norton CRACKED.COM

Tig Notaro

Comedians on depression O I suffer from depression, or as my father puts it, 'No, I don't.Wshin - Tig Notaro CRACKED.COM

Patton Oswalt

Comedians on depression A month without Prozac, my depression was a happy puppy just running through my body... I just wanted to give him a couple of days to- 'PUT ON YOUR BATHROBE FOR EIGHT DAYS STRAIGHT!' Oh, OK, depression, I know I haven't done this in a while, do you feel better? 'WATCH THE PRINCESS BRIDE ELEVEN TIMES IN A ROW!''' - Patton Oswalt CRACKED.COM

Rebecca O’Neal

Comedians on depression I'm a depressed extrovert and that's unacceptable, because my whole personality is, 'Everybody check out how sad I am!' -Rebecca O'Neal CRACKED.COM

Taylor Tomlinson

Comedians on depression I have a lot of friends that are like, 'I tried to get on antidepressants. I just didn't like how I felt on them. I didn't feel like myself on them.' Now that I'm on them, I'm like, 'Yeah, me either, it's the best. - Taylor Tomlinson CRACKED.COM

Daniel Sloss

Comedians on depression 'Back in my day, we didn't have depression or anxiety, we just called it being sad and we got on with our days.' ... That's the equivalent of me saying, 'Back in my day, we didn't have breast cancer. We just called it 'itchy tits' and died at 37. - Daniel Sloss CRACKED.COM

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