26 Jokes and Quotes From the Best Jokers in the Joke Game

Oh the chuckles you’ll chuckle
26 Jokes and Quotes From the Best Jokers in the Joke Game

Like any good millennial while texting, we’re very tempted to throw an “LOL” after every sentence in this blurb. We can’t help it. We just gathered some of the funniest jokes from the biggest names in comedy, and we’re bursting with laughter. Since you can’t hear that laughter through these written words, we have to express it with some LOLs. 

Ooh, there’s also a bunch of joke-writing advice for any of you aspiring joke writers. So take these in and hopefully you too can make some people actually LOL with all the newfound tips. 

Go in laughter-filled peace, friends. LOL.

Jim Gaffigan

X No one likes to work out. That's why there are personal trainers. Why don't you just hire someone to tell you that you look good?

Taylor Tomlinson

TAYLOR TOMLINSON I have a lot of friends that are like, I tried to get on antidepressants. I just didn't like how I felt on them. I just didn't feel like myself on them. Now that I'm on them, I'm like, Yeah, me either. It's the best! CRACKED

Colin Jost

It was reported that students in a school district in Tennessee were served meat that was six years old, which raises the question: Where's Tyler?

John Fugelsang

Comedians on depression Depression is the soul's way of telling you to change something in your life, NOT to cut your own bangs. -John Fugelsang CRACKED.COM

Joe Kilgallon

With Millennials, Just look at them, their selfies and their d**k pics. Yeah, because that technology didn't exist for you! When the copy machine was first created everyone was taking copies of their a...

Anthony Jeselnik

I just read the biography of the guy who invented Super Mario Bros. Did you know that when he was a kid, people used to laugh at him when he would kill turtles with a hammer?

Valentine’s Day Jokes

Every year on Valentine's Day, a lot of people wear red to be festive, but I instead wear black out of respect for all the ladies' hearts I've broken with this smile.

John Mulaney

This guy is so good at being on TV. is songwriting. Jerry Seinfeld, stand-up comedian and star of Seinfeld In order to keep a joke tight, shave off words and even count syllables to make sure the flow is brief and potent, much like when writing lyrics to fit the melody of a song. CRACKED.COM

Steve Martin

Comedy-Writing Advice that you're a thought machine. Steve Martin, comedian and writer of The Jerk, Only Murders in the Building, etc. You have a thousand, a million thoughts a day. Just learn to observe them a little bit, and say, 'Oh, is that an idea I could use. CRACKED.COM

Rita Rudner

You know what they have now? Costco coffins. But you have to assemble them. I was thinking, Boy, your timing would have to be perfect, wouldn't it?

Amy Schumer

At that age, for men, the most embarrassing thing is unwanted erections, but then they grow up and show them to everyone.

Robin Williams

People go now Robin, how do I know if I'm an alcoholic?. ...Number one, after a night of heavy drinking, you wake up fully clothed going Hey! Somebody sh*t in my pants!

Richard Pryor

I had to stop drinking though 'cause I got tired of waking up in my car, driving 90.

Katt Williams

wasn't scared of sh**. If you don't think he ain't gangsta, go to your neighbor's house and jump on their rottweilers and see how that works out for you.

Norm Macdonald

Norm's Family I once walked in on my parents having sex. It was the most embarrassing thirty minutes of my life.

Jerry Seinfeld

I saw a study that said that speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death! This means to the average person that if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

George Carlin

There are some things you don't want to hear. You don't want to come home from work and hear, Honey, how we told the children never to play on the railroad tracks?

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