24 Jokes From Bygone Eras That Are Still Worth a Chuckle or Two

Ah, the fart joke. A tale as old as time
24 Jokes From Bygone Eras That Are Still Worth a Chuckle or Two

Can you guys believe we just found the oldest recorded joke in human history? 

Who are we kidding, of course you can! Because much like a partner in a heated spat, you’ve come to know us for our uncanny ability to drum up the past. Well, unlike that spat, we kept this drummed-up past lighthearted. So lighthearted that you might actually laugh. 

Man, we hope they’re still talking about this pre-list blurb centuries from now.

Biblical Jokes

CRACKED COM The Bible features dick size comparisons. When King Rehoboam is asked to lower his father's taxes, his buddies advise him to reply: My little finger is thicker than my father's loins. Basically: I'm packing bigger than my dad, so screw you all, I'm raising the taxes.

The World’s Oldest Joke Ever

The world's oldest joke is a fart joke. Something which has never occurred since time immemorial: a young woman did not fart in her husband's embrace. -Sumerian proverb (1900 ВСЕ) CRACKED.COM

The Proto Dead Parrot Sketch

CRACKED COM the Dead Parrot sketch? There was once a joke about a dead slave. The slave you sold me died. By the gods, replied the other man, he never did such a thing when he was with me. -From Philogelos (4th century CE)

19th Century Sitcom Jokes

Sitcom jokes were already a thing 200 years ago. In John Tobin's play The Honey Moon (1805), a man reverses his anti-marriage stance after meeting a woman who is an angel. A sassy gal reders: Ay, so are all women before marriage; and that's the reason their husbands so soon wish them in heaven afterwards. CRACKED.COM

5th Century ‘Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?’ Jokes

CRACKED COM The 5th century CE had its own Or are you just happy to see me? line. << HERALD I am a herald, of course, I swear I am, and I come from Sparta about making peace. MAGISTRATE But look, you are hiding a lance under your clothes. -From Aristophanes' Lysistrata.

The Earliest Poop Jokes

Aristophanes was making poop jokes 2,400 years ago. In the opening scene of the play Peace, two very grossed- out servants knead shit cakes to feed a giant dung beetle. CRACKED.COM

Did You Hear the One About the Roman Emperor?

CRACKED.COM Did you hear the one about the Roman Emperor? A man came to Rome and caused everyone to turn their heads because he looked so similar to Caesar. Augustus ordered that the man be introduced to him, and when he saw him he asked this: Tell me, young man, was your mother ever in Rome? Не denied that she was, then added: But my father was often! -From Macrobius' Saturnalia (400 CE)

2nd Century Landlord Jokes

CRACKED.COM Rent in Rome was already too damn high 1,900 years ago. << You might buy an excellent house at Sora, Fabrateria, or Frusino, for one year's rent that you pay for a dark dog-hole at Rome. -Satires, by Juvenal (2nd century CE)

Ancient Rome Doctor Jokes

Doctor, doctor jokes go back to Roman times. Doctor, when I awake from sleep I have a dizziness for half an hour. The physician replied, Awake after the half hour. -From Philogelos (4th century CE) CRACKED.COM

4th Century ‘Take My Wife Please’ Jokes

CRACKED.COM Taking potshots at your wife wasn't invented by modern comedians. << A woman-hater paid his last respects at the tomb of his dead wife. When someone asked him Who has gone to rest? he replied, Me, now that I'm alone. -From Philogelos (4th century CE)

Shakespeare’s Cunnilingus Jokes

Shakespeare joked about cunnilingus. PETRUCHIO Who knows not where a wasp does wear his sting? In his tail. KATHERINE In his tongue. PETRUCHIO Whose tongue? KATHERINE Yours, if you talk of tales, and so farewell. PETRUCHIO What, with my tongue in your tail? -From The Taming of the Shrew CRACKED.COM

2,000-Year-Old Dad Jokes

Cicero was telling lame dad jokes 2,000 years ago. Cicero, seeing his son-in-law (a man of small stature) ing by with a large sword by his side, exclaimed, Who tied my son-in-law to that long sword? -From Macrobius' Saturnalia (400 CE) GRACKED.COM

The Original Grammar Troll

GRAGKED.COM APPENDIX. 153 Timothy Dexter trolled grammar lovers. 16 In 1802, self-proclaimed Lord Dexter published A Pickle for the Knowing One, a book with no punctuation. When readers complained, he included all the punctuation marks in an appendix.

Aristophanes’ Likening Thunder to Farts

CRACKED COM Aristophanes' The Clouds likens thunder to farts. Yes, yes, by Apollo I suffer, I get colic, then the stew sets to rumbling like thunder and finally bursts forth with a terrific noise. At first, it's but a little gurgling pappax, pappax! then it increases, papapappax! and when I take my crap, why, it's thunder indeed, papapappax! pappax!! papapappax!!! just like the clouds.

The World’s Oldest Collection of Jokes

Philogelos, written in the 4th century СЕ, is the world's oldest collection of jokes. A witty student sold his books when he was short of money. He then wrote to his father: Congratulate me, father, I am already making money from my studies. -From Philogelos CRACKED COM

The Old Man Who Seduces His Host’s Son

In the Satyricon (1st century CE), an older man seduces his host's son. At first the boy rebuffs him: Either you go to sleep or I'll call father! But then he relents, and turns out to be tireless. After three rounds, the exhausted man says: Either you go to sleep or I'll call father! CRACKED.COM

Homer‘s Who‘s on First Routine

GRACKED COM ST. LOUIS WOLVES Homer did Who's on first long before Abbott and Costello. In The Odyssey, Odysseus tells a cyclops his name is Outis, No Man. So when the cyclops calls No Man is slaying me! no one comes to help.

Emperor Augustus Was His Own Court Jester

CRACKED COM Emperor Augustus was a real jokester. When Galba, whose body was deformed by a hump on his back, was pleading a case before him and kept saying, Set me straight if you find any fault, Augustus said, I can advise you, but I cannot set you straight. -From Macrobius' Saturnalia (400 CE)

The Ancient Greek Version of Brian from ‘Family Guy’

CRACKED.COM CRIME AND Aristophanes foresaw Brian from Family Guy 2,400 years ago. In The Wasps, a dog is taken to trial for stealing a Sicilian cheese. A defense attorney says it should be acquitted, as it's just some dumb dog-but then someone else points out that the dog wrote its own defense plea.

10th Century Dirty Riddles

CRACKED COM The British of old waxed poetic about dirty riddles. Splendidly it hangs by a man's thigh, under the master's cloak. In front is a hole. It is stiff and hard; it has a goodly place. When the young man his own garment lifts over his knee, he wishes to visit with the head of what hangs the familiar hole he had often filled with its equal length. -From the Exeter Book, a 10th- century poetry anthology. (And it's a key, you pervs.)

The Pope’s Book of Dirty Jokes

CRACKED.COM Poggio Bracciolini was the Pope's secretary- and he wrote a book of dirty jokes. In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of being delivered. She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her private parts, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. Look also on the other side, said the poor creature. My husband has sometimes taken that road. -From Facetiae (15th century)

Lighting Farts on Fire Way Back in the 18th Century

CRAGKED.COM Lighting farts was already funny in the 18th century. I'th' int'rim, fond of mischief telling, The rainbow-goddess flies to Helen: Most modern farts I ever knew, When set on fire burn only blue, Or simple red, but when behind This nimble goddess lets out wind, You see not only reds and blues, But all the colours painters use. - From Thomas Bridges' A Burlesque Translation of Homer

An Ancient Greek Sex Strike

CRACKED.COM In Aristophanes' Lysistrata, written 2,400 years go, the women go on a sex strike, and not all of them like it. WOMAN Oh, I simply must run home this minute! Gotta see about my good Milesian wool that the moths must be murdering. LYSISTRATA Moths? Tommyrot! You'll stay right here. WOMAN Honest, I'll be just a minute. All I want to do is spread my wool out on the bed.

16th Century Humor Was Thristier Than You Think

CRACKED.COM 16th-century humor was thirstier than you think. A gentleman taking his leave of his mistress said: I kiss your hands and your feet. She answered: Forget not, I pray, the station between. -From Anthony Copley's Wits, Fittes, and Fancies (1595)

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